IFS-, RELATIONSHIP- AND FAMILY THERAPY
Kees van Kesteren
Are you arguing more and more often? Are you living separate lives? Do conversations constantly get stuck and sometimes escalate? Do you miss the intimacy of the past? Are there doubts about continuing together, or do you actually want to be together but don't know how? It sometimes hurts to admit that it isn't working. Are you looking for the cause within yourself? Do you feel guilty and/or like a failure? Or do you have the feeling that the other person is shortchanging you, doesn't take you seriously, or doesn't see your love?
Many questions and uncertainties can arise when you no longer truly feel the safety within your relationship to be vulnerable. This certainly does not mean that there is no longer a possibility to find each other and experience connection again.
There is a path (method) to greater acceptance of and connection with yourself and with your partner. To this end, it is helpful to examine, with the help of a professional, the patterns that are causing you so much misery.
Beneath that lie the original feelings, desires, and needs, which want to be seen, heard, and known.
Professionally, I have over 35 years of experience in the counseling and treatment of families, couples, individuals, and children with problems.
My approach involves exploring together during our conversations the underlying causes of the hurts, how these hurts can be better understood, and how we can stop them. Conversing about and from the perspective of the more vulnerable emotions between both partners actually fosters connection when these emotions are allowed to surface again. In these sessions, significant attention is given to communicating differently with one another. This helps break patterns and creates space for more empathy and understanding.
SPECIFIC AREAS OF EXPERIENCE
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Addiction problems
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Trauma
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Personality problems
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Depression and anxiety
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Composite families with their own character
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Families with children in the adolescent phase
My experience in child and adolescent psychiatry, youth care, addiction care, and with psychotrauma means that I am non-judgmental within therapy if someone has ever received a diagnosis. As a therapist and as a human being, I proceed from the assumption that we are fundamentally equal. There is more that is the same than what makes us different.
I have personally experienced firsthand that life can sometimes hurt, and that you can also emerge stronger from it. Meditation, systemic/schema therapy, and IFS have meant a great deal to me in this regard. In that sense, I consider myself an expert by experience.
I see myself as a sporty, open, philanthropic, travel-loving man and (mostly) happy father of 3 adult sons and daughters-in-law, and (yes, also) grandfather of 4 grandchildren.
I receive feedback from colleagues and clients that I am clear and engaged, and that I speak to them in plain language.
I am inspired by systems therapists Richard Schwartz, Esther Perel, and Sue Johnson. To me, they represent the concepts of wholeness, differentiation, and connection. All are so important for being human and enjoying life.
TREATMENTS
RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
I work with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) . Emotions are the starting point. In the initial sessions, we analyze how you shape your relationship. We look at both the positive drivers and the patterns that are perceived as more negative—the interaction patterns that consistently lead to conflict or estrangement. Often, this involves needs and desires that are difficult to express to each other, even though they are so important for a healthy relationship. During the sessions, we practice new interactions that are constructive and connecting. This allows both partners to consciously choose to switch from a destructive to a more constructive form of communication.
I am also trained in an approach called IBCT (Integrative Behavioural Couple Therapy), which has proven effective just like EFT. It is a more concrete method that particularly appeals to people with a practical approach to life.
I use elements of this in my therapy when applicable and, in my opinion, helpful, such as a conversational method for difficult topics and becoming aware of how, in certain cases, you can come to accept that which seems unchangeable.
FAMILY THERAPY
The tensions within families can sometimes become very high, the atmosphere becomes tense and the distance between parents and child is increasing. Parents feel powerless, children feel left alone. Bridging this distance then becomes difficult.
During family conversations I look with the youngster and parents to see how the atmosphere can be improved. In addition, everyone is heard in his desires and needs. in composite families there is an extra dynamic going on, sometimes this manifests itself in the feeling of being too marginalized or having to take everyone into account too much. Which may have to do with the difference in the position of biological parent / child and step parent / child. In addition, the feelings of loyalty of the children to the non-resident parent also play a role.
In these composite families, the mutual relationships can be worked on in smaller parts. So it is not the case that the whole family has to be present in all conversations.
Internal Family Systems Therapy
More insight into yourself and your inner world
Sometimes you keep running into the same things. You react differently than you would like, withdraw when you are actually seeking connection, or are critical of yourself. You want to do things differently, yet it happens again.
With IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy , we explore together what is happening inside you. Which feelings and needs play a role? Why do certain parts of yourself react the way they do? And what causes you to sometimes get stuck in recurring patterns?
What is IFS?
IFS assumes that we all have different inner parts. Think of a part that wants to keep everything under control, a part that adapts to others, or a critical voice that thinks you should do better. Additionally, there may be vulnerable parts that carry, for example, fear, sadness, or rejection.
These parts often try to protect us in their own way, even when their reactions get in the way of our daily lives or relationships.
Within IFS, we learn to look at these parts with more curiosity and understanding. Not to get rid of them, but to discover what lies behind them and what they need.
What can IFS therapy help with?
IFS can be helpful when you repeatedly run into the same patterns, struggle with your feelings, or are hard on yourself. IFS can also offer new insights when you are insecure, find it difficult to set boundaries, or repeatedly end up in the same conflicts in relationships.
By pausing to reflect on what is happening within yourself, space is created to better understand your reactions and make different choices.
My working method
In our conversations, we look together at what is on your mind. We explore which patterns repeat themselves, what feelings lie beneath them, and how you try to protect yourself.
I find open and equal contact important, in which there is room to explore what is going on without having to judge yourself or immediately change anything.
Getting acquainted with IFS
You don't need to know exactly what is going on to start with IFS. Sometimes it is enough to notice that you are getting stuck or to want to understand yourself better.
Would you like to explore if IFS therapy is right for you? Feel free to contact us for an introductory meeting or book a first session online.
